Dr Jessen, unsurprisingly, emerged from this investigation as gay as he went in  Let me ask you this. Do you own a pair of light tan shoes? Colourful, well-pressed check shirts? Do you possess any classical CDs? Do you – there's no easy way to say this – enjoy listening to Adele? Then, my friend, you are a gay man and, as part of your $3,000 per month de-gaying, these indicators of your deviant lifestyle will be taken from you and – quite possibly – burned on a ceremonial pyre.